Gutsy: Ya know what Tubs, I’m thinking about tryin to get meself a woman.
Tubsy: Jasus Gutsy, I thought you were the eternal bachelor… What had you in mind?
Gutsy: Ah, I’m a little bit tired of being on me own ya know? Waking up every day on me tod, nobody to make me dinner, do me washing, have a cup of tea with… All that.
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, that’s pretty deep thinking for this time of night, will ya take another one?
Gutsy: Yeh gwan, Guinness I suppose.
Tubsy: There’s a surprise… John, 2 more if ya please good Sir!
John: Ok lads, I’ll drop them over… As bloody usual…
Gutsy: Ah good man John, you’re a good man John, don’t ever forget that… The best!
John: Yeh well, don’t you forget either… Closing time in twenty minutes right?
Tubsy: No worries John, did ya hear good old Gutsy is thinking of getting himself a bird?
John: Yeh well zlong as he keeps his eye off my daughter…
Gutsy: Jasus she’s a cracker John, she not around tonight?
John: No she’s out with the girls in town or something…
Tubsy: Ah good for her, she’s a grand girl.
Gutsy: Jasus she’s a fine yoke John, I wouldn’t mind…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, take it easy, it’s his daughter you’re talkin about!
Gutsy: Ah sorry John, sorry, I’m just feelin a bit lonely tonight…
John: Yeh well like I said, keep a lid on it…
Gutsy: Yeh no problem John, how much are those pints goin to set me back?
John: Same as they’ve been costin ya all night!
Tubsy: Ah here it’s my round Guts… John, keep the change.
John: Ya generous generous generous man, I’ll put that forty cents towards my holiday fund!
Gutsy: Good man John, you’re the best ya know that?
Tubsy: Ah gwan oura tha John, if every fella gave ya forty cents for every round…
John: Yeh I’d be loaded, but they don’t, and I’m not… Now remember twenty minutes to last orders lads.
Gutsy: Right so John, your daughter around?
John: Aw for Jasus sake…
Tubsy: Nah Guts, she’s in town remember?
Gutsy: Oh Jasus yeh, good man John… Grand pints these.
Tubsy: Ya round tomorrow Guts?
Gutsy: Ah yeh, single life Tubs, ya can’t beat it! Pints?
Tubsy: Yeh I might just get out in the early evening for a few…
Gutsy: Ah now listen Tubsy my oldest and dearest friend…
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts…
Gutsy: If we are going out, and especially if we’re leaving it until early evening to go out…
Tubsy: Yeh?
Gutsy: We will go in low and hard, and go up and over the top… Up! And over! No let up, foot to the floor, the whole nine yards, and up the Dubs me chubby buddy.
Tubsy: Ah, fair enough so Guts… Sounds grand.
Gutsy: Right, that’s the plan then.
Tubsy: Where do ya wanna go?
Gutsy: I dunno, somewhere I suppose where there’s a bit of life… Maybe even a few nice birds wha?
Tubsy: Jasus yeh, that’ might not be a bad idea there Guts…
Gutsy: Tell ya wha, we’ll meet here for a few and see where the tide takes us right?
Tubsy: Grand we’ll do that so.
Gutsy: Ya know what, I’m absolutely buckled.
Tubsy: Ah yeh I’m fairly bunched meself…
Gutsy: Grand few pints though…
Tubsy: Ah yeh, the stout in here is lovely, always lovely… Ya can’t fault it can ya Guts?
Gutsy: No Tubs, ya simply can’t fault the pure quality of the stout in this fine fine place of stout.
Tubsy: I’m gonna just have a quick slash, if he calls last orders will ya tell him to stick us on a couple?
Gutsy: I will indeed… Ya wanna double round?
Tubsy: Probably shouldn’t…
Gutsy: Ah gwan, sure it won’t kill ya!
Tubsy: I dunno Guts, I’m absolutely Boe Janglers here…
Gutsy: What doesn’t kill ya will only cure ya me oul buddy, I’m putting on a double.
Tubsy: Ah fair enough, when you put it that way! I’ll be back in a minute…
Gutsy: Good man Tubs!
John: Here, last orders right?
Gutsy: Four please John…
John: Are ya gonna be able to drink those in twenty minutes?
Gutsy: John, between me and me good friend Tubsy, who incidentally is currently availing of the toiletry facilities… We’ll be able to sup these creamy pints down in half the time and maybe even call for another… That is if you are feeling at all generous!
John: Generous? I’ve listened to you two talking shite for years and not barred yiz… If that isn’t generosity I dunno what is… Four then…
Gutsy: For what, for who?
John: Four pints ya eejit!
Gutsy: Oh Jasus yes, four of your finest black pints please John.
John: You’re welcome, no problem, at your service…
Gutsy: Ah service with a smile John, that’s what I like to see… Here’s old Tubsy now shunting that massive bulk of his across the floor… Eh Tubs!
Tubsy: Alright Guts, ya get the order in?
Gutsy: I certainly did my baldy friend, four pints on the way…
Tubsy: You’re a gent Guts, did I ever tell you that?
Gutsy: Ah ya did Tubs, ya did… Here listen are we goin for chips after?
Tubsy: Well, who are we to break with a beautiful tradition?
Gutsy: You make a valid point Sir, chips and indeed burgers will be had…
Tubsy: You have that right, I’m starvin now that I think of it.
Gutsy: Yeh same here… Oh my Jasus would ya look at that?
Tubsy: Well be the…
Gutsy: Who is she?
Tubsy: I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before…
Gutsy: Well I tell ya one thing Tubs, I tell ya one thing…
Tubsy: Say nothing Guts, say nothing, I want to enjoy this moment… Here she comes…
Gutsy: Oh…
Tubsy: Shh now, say nothing…
Gutsy: Howya love…
Tubsy: Oh…
Gutsy: I said howya!
Tubsy: She blanked ya Guts!
Gutsy: I know, where is she goin?
Tubsy: Jacks it looks like… Was she in here all night?
Gutsy: Christ no, sure we’d have noticed…
Tubsy: She might be a cracker Guts, but she’s an ignorant oul trout.
Gutsy: Maybe she didn’t hear me, or maybe she doesn’t speak English.
Tubsy: Would ya gwan oura tha! She heard ya alright, she blanked ya.
Gutsy: Ah I’m willin to give a lady like that the benefit of the doubt… And I’d give her the benefit of a lot more Tubs, a lot more.
Tubsy: Ah yeh, I know whatcha mean Guts.
Gutsy: Listen we better scoop up here sharpish if we’re to get in to the chipper.
Tubsy: Right, I’ll kill off this one now… Jasus I’m hammered…
Gutsy: Zlong as ya can stand Tubs, and zlong as ya can get the burger and chip in to ya…
Tubsy: Oh there won’t be a problem there my sizable friend, the burger will be dealt with forthwith.
Gutsy: That’s what I like to hear!
John: Five minutes lads!
Tubsy: We’re actually finished John.
Gutsy: Chance of another one John?
Tubsy: The chipper Guts…
John: No chance lads, have yiz no homes to go to?
Gutsy: It’s not home we’re going to Johnny boy…
John: Off clubbin? Will they let two oufellas like you pair in?
Tubsy: Clubbin?! We’re goin the chipper!
John: Might’ve known, see yiz tomorra lads.
Gutsy: Right John, thanks for the pints.
John: Ah, no problem, night!
Tubsy: Night John.
Gutsy: Night night John Boy.
John: Get out!
Tubsy: Right Guts, mind yourself there, let’s get in to this grease shop quick.
Gutsy: Jasus I’m a bit unsteady on the pins…
Tubsy: You’re tellin me? I’m absolutely lamped.
Gutsy: Jasus look at the queue!
Tubsy: We’ll be a while waitin here Guts, but I have to… Me belly thinks me throat is cut.
Gutsy: Jasus and what a belly Tubs!
Tubsy: Ah, it took me years to build it Guts…
Gutsy: A big belly is something to be proud of Tubsy, I mean that.
Tubsy: You must be filled with pride then…
Gutsy: Oh I am sir, I am.
Tubsy: Here giz two quarter pounders, two chips, and two cans of coke will ya!
Gutsy: Ask him for cheese Tubs…
Tubsy: Oh and cheese on those burgers, good man!
Gutsy: Legend.
Tubsy: Here I’ll get these…
Gutsy: Ya will in your hole, half and half…
Tubsy: Fair enough, giz a tenner there… That should cover it.
Gutsy: Ah I’ve no cash left, will ya spot me this one?
Tubsy: Half and half ya say! Ah no problem Guts, ya can get it next time.
Gutsy: Good man Tubs, thanks.
Tubsy: Ya walkin home?
Gutsy: No choice Tubs, but sure I’ll eat me chips on the way…
Tubsy: Right so, sure I’ll walk up as far as my corner with ya.
Gutsy: Grand… Here is there football on tomorra?
Tubsy: There is indeed…
Gutsy: Who’s playin?
Tubsy: Playin wha?
Gutsy: The football!
Tubsy: Ah I dunno, United is it?
Gutsy: I dunno Tubs, I’ll check the fixtures tomorra.
Tubsy: Grand, giz a shout won’t ya?
Gutsy: I will, see ya tomorra for scoopage.
Tubsy: Night Guts, safe home.
Gutsy: Right, night Tubs, say howya to the wife for me.
Tubsy: You leave my wife alone Guts!
Gutsy: Ah I’m only messin, gluck Tubs.
Tubsy: I know, gluck Guts, see ya tomorra.
Gutsy: Here Tubs!
Tubsy: Wha?!
Gutsy: That bird we saw there in the pub, she was carryin a bit too much weight for my likin… After careful consideration, I think I am glad she didn’t talk to us!
Tubsy: She was a bit on the old side too Guts, I probably wouldn’t have to be honest!
Gutsy: Ah I wouldn’t go that far now, but certainly she could’ve done with avoiding the fridge for a day or two!
Tubsy: True enough Guts true enough, sure if she’s in tomorra we’ll tackle her… She owes us a pint each for her display of ignorance there tonight!
Gutsy: If she comes up with a pint for us, I might consider entertaining her with some of my world famous charm and impressing her with some sharp lines…!
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, you better be a new man by the morning!
Gutsy: Oh I am a charmin devil when I put me mind to it Tubs, there isn’t a woman alive who could resist me at me best!
Tubsy: Ah you keep telling yourself that Guts ya baldy eejit!
Gutsy: Grand, we’ll tackle her so… Gluck Tubs!
Tubsy: Night Guts, mind yourself.
