Match Day

Gutsy: Brilliant, we got here five minutes before kick off.
Tubsy: What time is it?
Gutsy: About twenty to one I think Tubs, pint yeh?
Tubsy: Yeh gwan then.
Gutsy: John, 2 please?
John: No problem lads, early start today I see…
Tubsy: Ah the early kick off, ya know yourself, it’s the business…
Gutsy: Haha, yeh John ya may get used to the sight of us… We’re in for the long haul!
John: Like I amn’t sick of the sight of you lads… I’ll drop them over.
Gutsy: Good man John.
Tubsy: Jasus me mouth’s as dry as… as ehh…
Gutsy: Ghandi’s flip flops?
Tubsy: Yeh!
Gutsy: We’ll soon sort that out for ya Tubs me oul segotia.
John: Here yiz are, I suppose you want change…
Tubsy: Too right John, not that it’s hardly worth our while…
Gutsy: Ah the price of drink is shockin!
John: Doesn’t stop yiz buying it? If you’re so worried about it, maybe yiz should cut back or give it up altogether.
Gutsy: And have you out of a job John? No chance, we are doing our best to keep as many people in good honest employment as we can, eh Tubs? The state of this nation, sure it’s no wonder we’re all on the scrap heap, makes me sick when I think of it.
Tubsy: Ah not this shite again Guts, just drink your pint and take it easy will ya?
Gutsy: See it’s attitudes like that!
John: Keep your voice down mate, the match is starting.
Gutsy: Oh jasus sorry John, turn up the telly there will ya?
John: If you quit that shouting we’ll all be able to hear it!
Tubsy: Yeh keep it down Guts.
Gutsy: Jasus sorry, sorry, I was only trying to put forward my opinion of the state of the nation, excuse me… I’ll just shut up now then and let the place go to the dogs without commenting. Grand so.
Tubsy: Ah, look at that, the what is becoming the classic 3 5 2.
Gutsy: Ya what?
Tubsy: The formation, this should be a cracking game Guts.
Gutsy: Ah yeh, I’ve been lookin forward to this one for ages now.
Tubsy: What, since the last match?
Gutsy: Exactly my tubby friend, exactly. Pints are gorgeous aren’t they?
Tubsy: Going down nicely now, going down nicely.
Gutsy: Ya had no problem getting out today?
Tubsy: Nah, she’s off shopping or something… I’m here for the day. How bout yourself?
Gutsy: Ah the joys of single life my boy, the joys.
Tubsy: Yeh well, yeh… What is that keeper playing at?
Gutsy: Flapping like an eejit!
Tubsy: Ah he’s brutal, all he’s good for is cleaning boots.
Gutsy: That’s for sure Tubs, I’d do a better job between the posts meself!
Tubsy: Ah now I wouldn’t go that far, he’s not that bad…
Gutsy: Ah ask me tank Tubs, I was a deadly player in school.
Tubsy: Ya were yeh Guts…
Gutsy: I was!
Tubsy: I know, I said ya were. Why did ya give up the football?
Gutsy: Ah it’s easier to watch it than it is to play it…
Tubsy: And playing any position with a pint in your hand is bound to lead to spillage…
Gutsy: Zactly.
John: Did ya hear lads? Me daughter is starting work here as a lounge girl today.
Gutsy: What?!
Tubsy: Jasus that’s great John, is she on Summer holidays or what?
John: Ya must be joking, she’s nineteen! She is just back from travelling round the world.
Gutsy: The world?!
Tubsy: Ah that’s great John, I hope she has steady hands while carrying scoops and won’t get in the way of the telly.
Gutsy: She nice lookin John?
John: She’s me daughter!
Gutsy: I’m only askin like…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, it’s his daughter…
John: Anyway, make sure you’re nice to her lads right?
Tubsy: No problem John.
Gutsy: We’ll be nice to her alright…
Tubsy: How much did they pay for your man?
Gutsy: Who, John?
Tubsy: No no, that fella playing out on the wing there…
Gutsy: Oh him! I haven’t a notion, suppose a few million or something.
Tubsy: Ah good guess Guts.
Gutsy: Yeh.
Tubsy: Deadly it’s half time, I’m going to nip across and get a sambo or something, I didn’t get a chance to have breakfast.
Gutsy: Right I’ll mind the seats.
Tubsy: There’s not exactly many people here to nick em!
Gutsy: Ah never the less… Here will ya get me a bacon sambo or a breakfast roll or something while you’re over there?
Tubsy: Ah yeh no problem… Best to get breakfast in to ya if you’re going to be on the lash all day.
Gutsy: Ah I had me breakfast alright, just getting a bit hungry… Sure it’s lunch time now.
Tubsy: Suppose so Guts… Listen, back in a minute.
John: Where’s he gone?
Gutsy: To get a breakfast roll…
John: Ya should’ve said, I could’ve made yiz a sambo or something.
Gutsy: Nah you’re alright John, last time I ate anything in here I puked for days.
John: Yeh well I did warn yiz the bread was a bit old and the butter was gone off… Yiz insisted!
Gutsy: I was starving though! Anyway it doesn’t matter, Tubs will be back in a few minutes.
John: Right…
Gutsy: What time is your daughter starting John, what’s her name?
John: Lindsay, and half 3.
Gutsy: Half 3? That’s an unusual name for a girl, let me guess she was born at half 3?
John: Ah shut up and drink up… Will I put another two on for yiz?
Gutsy: Gwan yeh, did I pay you for the last one?
John: Ya did, ya did.
Gutsy: I know I did, just testing ya.
John: Hurumph.
Tubsy: Special delivery for me oul pal with the big belly and the receeding hairline!
Gutsy: I thought it was me you were getting a breakfast roll for!
Tubsy: Have ya looked in a mirror lately Guts?
Gutsy: Nah, couldn’t be arsed with all that!
Tubsy: Good man… Well, get this in to ya.
Gutsy: Did ya get red sauce on it?
Tubsy: Of course!
Gutsy: Nice one.
Tubsy: Did ya order the pints?
Gutsy: I did, I got ya a coke.
Tubsy: Ya better be messin…
Gutsy: Nah honestly, John where’s this man’s coke?
John: On the way lads…
Tubsy: John! I wanted a pint, don’t mind that eejit.
Gutsy: Hahaha, make sure ya give him plenty of ice there John.
John: Ah no problem, coming up!
Tubsy: Honest to Jasus, if I get a glass of coke over here Tubs I’ll swing for ya.
Gutsy: Ah ya will yeh…
John: There yiz go lads.
Tubsy: Haha, ya funny man Guts, thanks John.
Gutsy: Good man John, pints are nice here today.
John: What do you mean? They’re always nice here!
Gutsy: Not always John, not always…
Tubsy: Ah they’d be consistent enough, but there are definitely off days, or sometimes even off rounds…
John: Take it up with the management.
Gutsy: Who’s the manager?
John: Me!
Tubsy: OK, can we take this lack of consistency with the quality of the pintage being served in this fine establishment up with you, Sir Manager?
John: Ah, ask me hole.
Gutsy: A typical manager, always deligating!
Tubsy: Ah, sure we’ll see how we get on with these anyway John, thanks again.
John: No problem lads.
Gutsy: There’s gonna be a sending off here Tubs…
Tubsy: Show us a replay Show us a replay!
Gutsy: Watch this Tubs… Oooo the ankle! Nasty!
Tubsy: He’ll be needing a bed pan for the next few days I suspect…
Gutsy: A wha Tubs?
Tubsy: A bed pan, ya know like…
Gutsy: A pan my tubby friend in my opinion, is for frying rashers on…
Tubsy: Jasus you’re some eejit Guts…
Gutsy: Ah I know… Look at that, red card, good man Ref!
Tubsy: He is a fair Ref, of that my large companion, there can be no doubt.
Gutsy: How long’s left now?
Tubsy: It’s in to stoppage time… Hardly any point sending yir man off.
Gutsy: That’s shockin… He creased that fella! He deserves everything he gets… Fines, Bans… The works!
Tubsy: Ah fair enough Guts, but ya know what I mean…
Gutsy: Course I do Tubs… But my point stands.
Tubsy: Grand. Call em in Guts!
Gutsy: John!
John: Two?
Tubsy: Yes please John, when you’re ready…
John: Yeh, when I’m good and ready…
Gutsy: When you’re good and ready John, but get them over here sharpish before I die of a terrible thirst!
John: Some chance!
Tubsy: Jasus who is she?
Gutsy: Who?
Tubsy: Yir wan there coming in the door…
Gutsy: Oh yeh… Jasus grand yoke isn’t she?
John: Lads, here’s me daughter! On her first day at work!

Tags: Beer, Dublin, Football, Pub