Tubsy: Well Guts, here we are…
Gutsy: Ah indeed my friend, here we are…
Tubsy: Soaking up the sunshine wha?
Gutsy: Jasus yeh Tubs, I hope yiv your sun tan cream on!
Tubsy: Oh ya could get a nasty burn if you’re not careful, and that would ruin the rest of your trip.
Gutsy: Yeh, rollin around in bits, and you slappin on the after sun cream.
Tubsy: Well, Guts, do you have the sun cream on?
Gutsy: No.
Tubsy: Neither do I…
Gutsy: Ah the chances of getting burnt are fairly slim though Tubs…
Tubsy: Unlike yourself my bulky friend!
Gutsy: Ah once we stay in the pub Tubs, keep out of the sun…
Tubsy: They say ya should drink plenty of liquids to remain safe from sunburn.
Gutsy: Ah sure in that case we’ll be as safe as houses Tubs.
Tubsy: Indeed we will Sir, indeed we will. Pint?
Gutsy: Gwan so, what do you call this stuff?
Tubsy: Beer.
Gutsy: I know it’s beer, what do ya call it like… Is it Heineken or wha?
Tubsy: I haven’t a clue, all I know is…
Gutsy: Yeh, that it’s not stout.
Tubsy: Correct.
Gutsy: Here giz two beers there will ya!
Tubsy: Does he speak the lingo?
Gutsy: Wha?
Tubsy: Does he speak English?
Gutsy: It would appear good man, from the confuddled expression on his leathery face, that he hasn’t the foggiest idea what I am saying to him… Perhaps I will attempt to complete this transaction by way of smoke signals!
Tubsy: Can’t smoke in these bars either Guts.
Gutsy: Ah jasus how did we get these first beers, what if I point at the tap?
Tubsy: Worth a try…
Gutsy: Amigo!
Tubsy: Oh I think we might have a result here…
Gutsy: Two beers, two nice beers for your Irish friends…
Tubsy: Ah I think he has it now.
Gutsy: I should’ve been a translator.
Tubsy: Ah but instead you’re sittin here on the high stool with your oul pal, swallowing foreign beer in a foreign land, to bate the bleedin band.
Gutsy: That’s very poetic my amigo, very artistic indeed!
Tubsy: Oh my jasus would ya look…
Gutsy: Ah here now…
Tubsy: What does he think we are, a couple of birds or wha?!
Gutsy: Here John, we want pints! Not little girly glasses for the love of Jasus.
Tubsy: He hasn’t a shaggin notion Guts, ya might as well be talking to the wall.
Gutsy: Here listen to me now, we, us two lads here, want pints of beer.
Tubsy: We no like small beer glass, please you give us pints now, if ya don’t mind and it’s not too much trouble.
Gutsy: Yes we no like small beer, we like pintage and plenty of it… Have to keep well oiled up with liquids in these hotter climates, as you good sir, being a local, know only too well.
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts don’t confuse him…
Gutsy: Confuse him?
Tubsy: Listen, giz two pints please. Two pints, is it too much to ask?
Gutsy: This is bleedin hopeless…
Tubsy: What’s the word for pint in Spanish?
Gutsy: Haven’t a breeze… Pinto?
Tubsy: Might be… Here, giz two pintos there will ya?
Gutsy: Ah here hold on, swallow that thing sharpish there and we’ll start from scratch.
Tubsy: Fair enough…
Gutsy: I feel like a bird doing this…
Tubsy: Jasus ya make an ugly bird Guts… No makeup would help ya!
Gutsy: Ah listen don’t start, this is hard enough for me.
Tubsy: Right, let’s give this another crack.
Gutsy: Hello amigo, I would like two big pintos.
Tubsy: Leave this to me Guts, I’ll have it sorted in a sec…
Gutsy: Fair enough Tubsy, I don’t know how you’re going to get it sorted unless you take a crash course in Spaniardo in the next five seconds, but you go ahead and crack on there… Get the bleedin order in before I drop dead with the thirst.
Tubsy: Hello…
Gutsy: Great start Tubs! You’re playin a stormer…
Tubsy: Can I have beer, big beer, please, pints, in big glasses, ya know like, big pints please…
Gutsy: What the jasus is he at now…
Tubsy: Hold on Guts my large companion, hold those horses of yours just a sec…
Gutsy: Oh my jasus Tubs…
Tubsy: This is going to work out bleedin deadly!
Gutsy: Would ya look at that…
Tubsy: Jasus when I said big, I didn’t think he’d take it as that bleedin big…
Gutsy: These are pitchers!
Tubsy: Ah now we’re sorted Guts, swig it from the spout me oul flower, swig it from the spout!
Gutsy: Tubs, my exceptionally well padded pal, I should have had more faith in you… I sincerely apologise for doubting your abilities as a Spanish speaker and beer getter. As a token of my regret, please accept this jug of beer, on behalf of me, my belly, and any other Irishman who you choose to sort out with a bit of the lingo today.
Tubsy: Gutsy, that makes no sense whatsoever, but I accept.
Gutsy: Fair play Tubs, this is the business.
Tubsy: This place isn’t too bad Guts, reckon we’ll make it our base for the holidays.
Gutsy: Yeh it seems grand Tubs, not many birds knocking round though…
Tubsy: Ah in fairness it’s not even midday yet. I think the Spanish come out later and stay out later or whatever.
Gutsy: Aha, so we can expect a bit of skirt in here at around three or four so?
Tubsy: Yeh hopefully…
Gutsy: You’re an infinitely handsome gent Tubs, but those massive tree trunk legs of yours just don’t really do it for me, ya know?
Tubsy: Steady on there Guts, this hot weather is having a funny effect on ya!
Gutsy: Ah we’ll set ourselves up here for the day anyway… Sure they even give ya free peanuts!
Tubsy: Wonder is there any chance of a burger or something…
Gutsy: Or a bowl of paella.
Tubsy: A bowl of wha?
Gutsy: It’s the local food, it’s fishy rice.
Tubsy: Jasus, sounds absolutely gorgeous… You’ll forgive me for not over indulging though and sticking to something as basic as a bleedin burger amigo.
Gutsy: Gorgeous? It’s rotten stuff, I wouldn’t ate it if I was dying of starvation.
Tubsy: Guts, it’d take years for you to die of starvation… ya could live off that massive pile of poundage hanging over your waste band there for yonks!
Gutsy: That’s what I call insurance.
Tubsy: Zactly Guts, insurance against starvation…
Gutsy: These pitchers are going down well Tubs, I think I am almost ready for another.
Tubsy: Indeed they are, nothing like a jug of beer of a Tuesday morning.
Gutsy: Will ya try and order another couple there my Spanish speaking subordinate?
Tubsy: Oui Oui Sir, leave it to me!
Gutsy: Sound. I’m off for a hit n miss… I expect two frothy jugs of scoop to be waiting for me on my return.
Tubsy: It will be done.
Gutsy: Where’s the jacks in here?
Tubsy: Think yiv to go out and around the side or something…
Gutsy: Fair enough… If I’m not back in five minutes avenge my death!
Tubsy: That Sir, is a given.
Gutsy: Sound, jasus the heat in here!
Tubsy: Hello Amigo, two more big beers please, do you comprehend moi? I imagine ya haven’t a jasus clue what I’m on about but sure if I am making myself clear at all you’ll organise me and my currently absent friend with a few jugs of beer… To keep us cool and just on the right side of tipsy, so as we can see the afternoon out in this fine establishment… Jasus, thanks! Do you speak English after all?
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, ya should see the jacks!
Tubsy: Mon over here Guts and let me show you what your good oul buddy has set up…
Gutsy: The flies in there, oh my Jasus… It was like Billy Byrne’s Bakery at home in the summer time.
Tubsy: Get on your stool there Guts and get scoopin. I have this Spanish thing down to a tee now… I’ll be the official beer orderer for the holidays.
Gutsy: Suits me Tubs, I’ll leave it to you… Jasus another jug of beer, this is the way to gargle Tubs, the way to gargle!
Tubsy: It sure is, and if I’m not mistaken we’re no longer the only portly patrons in this bar…
Gutsy: Jasus yeh, women at last!
Tubsy: Steady on now Gutsy, let’s take it gingerly…
Gutsy: I can clock a couple of brunettes Tubs…
Tubsy: Yeh but…
Gutsy: I may have to call upon your skills as a translator again Tubs… These foreign women love a multilingual gent.
Tubsy: Well, I’ll certainly do me best to help Guts… But take your time now.
Gutsy: Here’s one up to the bar, I’m gonna tackle her just as she puts in the order!
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts, she’s not the best now…
Gutsy: Ah here I wouldn’t say no!
Tubsy: I was right when I said we weren’t the only portly ones in here now…
Gutsy: She is a curvaceous Spanish goddess, how do I say hello?
Tubsy: I don’t know Guts, just try saying hi.
Gutsy: Sound, right here we go…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, she’s no goddess… Her belly is on a par with your own…
Gutsy: Do not speak ill of my girl Tubs… Hi love, how’s the form? Great to be here in your fine country, and as a token of my support for Spain, I’ll be happy to buy this drink for you… What ya havin?
Tubsy: Right Guts, she either has no idea what you said, or she is completely ignoring you.
Gutsy: Language barrier Tubs, that will be easily overcome when I turn on the charm.
Tubsy: Well, since she hasn’t said a thing back to you, and since she is now high taling it back to her mate over there, I reckon we’re going to have to mark this one up as a wide.
Gutsy: Wide?
Tubsy: Ya stepped up, addressed the ball nicely, put your boot to it… But unfortunately, it spun wide of the post.
Gutsy: Ya might be right Tubs, I have a feeling she might not have been interested in speaking to handsome gents like ourselves…
Tubsy: Possibly Guts…
Gutsy: Or gents in general Tubs? These foreign women… Ya never know…
Tubsy: Who’s to say, at the end of the day.
Gutsy: Ah now that I think of it, and now that I have a good view…
Tubsy: Yeh Guts?
Gutsy: She is like ya say…
Tubsy: Wha?
Gutsy: Wide.
Tubsy: Hahaha, Jasus Guts she is.
Gutsy: She could do with giving the oul fish n chip dinners a miss Tubs!
Tubsy: Maybe it’s all the paella.
Gutsy: Could be… All that fishy rice stuff couldn’t be good for ya.
Tubsy: Now ya have it.
Gutsy: Speaking of which, I’m starving!
Tubsy: I’ll see if I can land a few burgers over here, what ya reckon?
Gutsy: A burger, at this juncture my friend of immense proportions, would go down an absolute treat.
Tubsy: Ah, well allow me to translate our request for some nosh in to Spanish…
Gutsy: Good man Tubs, you’re a walking dictionary.
On Holidays
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