Tubsy: Any sign of Gutsy John?
John: Haven’t seen him.
Tubsy: If he was here ya would’ve seen him, he’s hard to miss…
John: Yeh true enough. You havin a pint or wha?
Tubsy: I’ll hang on for Guts I think, don’t wanna mess up the round.
John: Grand.
Tubsy: Actually John would ya giz a glass of water?
John: Tap?
Tubsy: Wha?
John: Tap water?
Tubsy: What other sort is there?
John: The sort ya pay for.
Tubsy: Tap will do.
John: Thought as much… Ya runnin dry?
Tubsy: Oh jasus we had a fair feed of scoops last night…
John: I know.
Tubsy: Oh yeh, spose yid know alright!
John: Here’s your partner in crime now…
Tubsy: Oh don’t worry bout the water…
John: Wha?
Gutsy: Ah if it isn’t my colleague of gargantuan proportions!
Tubsy: Howya Guts, you’re late.
Gutsy: A minor domestic incident…
Tubsy: I See. Pint?
Gutsy: That’s what we’re here for… John?
John: Ya want water?
Gutsy: Ya wha?!
John: Thought ya might want a pint of water like your companion there…
Tubsy: Ah leave it out John, giz two pints.
John: Fair enough gents, I’ll drop them over…
Gutsy: What’s this about water Tubs?
Tubsy: I don’t know Guts, maybe John’s been the wrong side of the bar this morning…
Gutsy: Maybe so Tubs… How are ya anyway?
Tubsy: Ah not too bad, bit ropey this morning.
Gutsy: Yeh we had a fine feed of pints last night.
Tubsy: Indeed we did Sir, and a few more now to push the oul hangover out by another day wha?
Gutsy: Now you’re speaking my language… Now you’re making sense… Which incidentally is a far cry from what you were making last night!
Tubsy: Ah I was absolutely John Bon Jovied.
Gutsy: Ah so was I if I’m being honest…
John: Right lads, two pints.
Tubsy: Thanks John.
Gutsy: Thanks Johnny boy, put them on the slate!
John: There is no slate. Pay up or get out.
Gutsy: Steady on there John, I was only messin.
Tubsy: Here I’ll get these…
Gutsy: Thanks.
John: None of your oul nonsense now lads, I’m knackered today.
Gutsy: What has ya tired John?
Tubsy: Ok so John, there’s a few bob.
John: Ah it was after four when me daughter managed to get herself home last night, I was sick with worry and didn’t sleep before or after.
Gutsy: Maybe she’s got herself a fella… Lucky git whoever he is.
Tubsy: Ah that’s shockin John, kids these days have no consideration for anyone.
John: Tell me bout it. Anyway, I’m going to have a word with her at some stage.
Gutsy: Was she locked?
Tubsy: Jasus Guts…
John: Nah I don’t think so… She had a few on her alright, but not too bad.
Gutsy: Must be a fella then.
Tubsy: Good man detective Paunch!
Gutsy: Comes from years of watching The Bill.
John: I’ve work to do…
Tubsy: Thanks for the scoops John.
Gutsy: Yeh thanks John… If ya want to send your daughter down we can have a chat with her… Set her straight.
John: Yeh right, I’d sooner send her to the…
Tubsy: Don’t mind him John, he’s a bit of an eejit when he’s hungover.
John: It doesn’t take a hangover…
Gutsy: I’m simply determining the cause of your beloved daughter’s late arrival home… Or actually it was early, as it was early this morning. If you two don’t feel you can grasp or appreciate my abilities as a man of detection and deduction, that’s just fine with me. I’ll say no more about it.
Tubsy: That’d be spot on Guts!
Gutsy: I’d never say it to his face Tubs, but his daughter is a fine lookin yoke.
Tubsy: Ya said it to his face last week.
Gutsy: Did I? Jasus I should watch meself.
Tubsy: Ah he doesn’t mind, John’s alright.
Gutsy: He’s a sound man.
Tubsy: He pulls a decent pint, that’s for sure.
Gutsy: For the most part…
Tubsy: Ah now Guts, he is pretty consistent.
Gutsy: I’d say the quality of pint in here varies every now and then… Generally good, but there are definitely off days.
Tubsy: Your comment has some merit Guts, but would you say that is down to John, or could it be dirty pipes or a bad keg or wha?
Gutsy: Knowing stout as I do Tubs, it is simple for me to separate out the causes of bad scoop.
Tubsy: Ya certainly have had plenty of practice my friend of infinite girth.
Gutsy: Indeed I have, and in an effort to keep my skills sharp… I’ll keep gargling for ever more.
Tubsy: Fair play, and I’ll be here as your chief supervisor.
Gutsy: Thanks Tubs.
Tubsy: In sayin that though Guts, jasus you’re a bit slow on the oul scoop today, ya feelin a bit iffy?
Gutsy: Ah just easing myself in Tubs, this is a marathon not a sprint.
Tubsy: Well to be honest I’m not sure how long I’ll be out for today…
Gutsy: Ya wha?
Tubsy: Yeh, herself wants me home at a reasonable time for dinner and all that.
Gutsy: Now Tubsy…
Tubsy: I know Guts…
Gutsy: It’s a gentleman’s duty to go for a few quiet pints of a Sunday afternoon, particularly if a heavy session has been had the night before. Not only is it his duty, it is his cure… His comforter… His release…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts take it easy, I know all tha…
Gutsy: You will listen to what I’ve to say now my chunky friend, you will listen and take heed of what I’m about to tell you.
Tubsy: Jasus Guts…
Gutsy: Sundays are a man’s day, to do with what he wishes. To drink, to eat, to sleep, to enjoy the finer things in life. No woman, be she mother, sister, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend has the right to impose their regime on a man at any time… but certainly not on a Sunday afternoon.
Tubsy: You certainly do have a point, and you are making sense.
Gutsy: Yes I am, I am rarely wrong Tubs. Pint?
Tubsy: Yeh. John?
John: Two?
Gutsy: Please!
John: I’ll drop them over.
Tubsy: Well tell ya what, remind me to give her a call in about four or five hours or something.
Gutsy: That’s the idea Sir, tackle the issue of your absence when oiled up.
Tubsy: She’s hard enough to handle…
Gutsy: All the more reason to get scoopin!
Tubsy: Ya catching up now on the oul pint front Guts?
Gutsy: I am.
Tubsy: You look warm, ya ok?
Gutsy: I’m grand, sweatin like a mule though.
Tubsy: Ah it is warm in here and we’ve a million pints in us after last night.
Gutsy: Jasus yeh, I don’t really remember getting home.
Tubsy: Ya know what Guts, I’m absolutely starving.
Gutsy: Funny ya should mention it, I’d ate a horse’s arse through a hole in the hedge.
Tubsy: Well whatever ya do, don’t eat the grub in here… Absolutely filthy stuff.
Gutsy: Ah I know, sure member the last time? I was done in for days.
Tubsy: I certainly do… Ya were a shadow of a man…
Gutsy: Yeh well, if you had to go through what I did… Yid have…
Tubsy: I did! I had the same as you!
Gutsy: Hahaha, oh jasus yeh that’s right…
Tubsy: I went through three rolls that day.
Gutsy: Breakfast rolls?
Tubsy: Nah, toilet rolls.
Gutsy: Oh jasus Tubs, I hope it was soft stuff.
Tubsy: It was. How did ya fair yourself?
Gutsy: On wha?
Tubsy: The roll front.
Gutsy: I went through about three, now that I think of it.
Tubsy: And was it soft?
Gutsy: No.
Tubsy: Rough sand papery stuff?
Gutsy: Zact same as the stuff they have in the jacks here…
Tubsy: That stuff is criminal…
Gutsy: Yeh well, I had nothing else.
Tubsy: Where did ya get your hands on that kind of paper? It should be outlawed, I believe it is dangerous!
Gutsy: From the jacks here…
Tubsy: Ya lift jacks roll?
Gutsy: Keep your voice down Tubs… John’ll hear ya.
Tubsy: Oh jasus yeh sorry… Ya take that stuff?
Gutsy: Yeh well, it’s either that or go shopping.
Tubsy: Oh yeh, and I know how you feel about that!
Gutsy: Zactly my bouncy boy, zactly.
Tubsy: Pint?
Gutsy: Giz a sec with this one…
Tubsy: Ah for jasus sake Guts, get a move on!
Gutsy: Right right, get another couple up.
Tubsy: John?
John: Let me guess…
Gutsy: John are ya still doin food in here?
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, remember the…
John: I can throw yiz on some sausages, or get a sambo or two together.
Gutsy: Sounds lovely John, make it happen barkeep!
Tubsy: Ah Gutsy, this is not a good idea.
Gutsy: It might be ok this time… I’d asked him for it before I even thought…
Tubsy: Ah we’ll chance it I suppose…
Gutsy: I better nip in the jacks and swipe some paper, just in case…
Tubsy: Yeh, stick it in the freezer tonight when ya get home!
Gutsy: Frozen sandpaper… It’s a far cry from double velvet Tubs.
Tubsy: Real men use frozen sandpaper.
Gutsy: And a real man is what I am.
Tubsy: I feel locked.
Gutsy: So do I… Spose we’re just toppin up from last night.
Tubsy: Yeh spose…
Gutsy: We’ll push on.
Tubsy: Hold on a sec, here’s John with the pintage.
John: Two. Grub’s on the way.
Gutsy: I can smell it cookin.
Tubsy: Fair play John, I hope this stuff doesn’t give us belly ache.
John: Ah yiz should be ok, I’m a brilliant cook.
Gutsy: Let me cast your mind back to last time we had a bite in this place!
John: Oh yeh, well I told ya the stuff had gone off…
Tubsy: Has this stuff we’re getting today gone off?
John: I couldn’t tell ya, sure chance it anyway.
Gutsy: Fair enough.
Tubsy: We’ll send ya on our medical expenses…
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs…
Tubsy: Wha?
Gutsy: Your misses is on the way…
Tubsy: On the way where?!
Gutsy: In here!
Tubsy: Aw for jasus sake Guts, I’m in trouble.
Gutsy: Leg it in to the jacks there, I’ll tell her I haven’t seen ya.
Tubsy: Too late, she’s spotted us.
Gutsy: What ya gonna do?
Tubsy: I’m gonna have to head Guts, she’ll make me life not worth livin…
Gutsy: Fair enough Tubs…
Tubsy: Gluck Guts, I’ll give ya a shout tomorra.
Gutsy: Grand job Tubs, mind yourself.
John: Where’s he gone?
Gutsy: Ah the wife caught him…
John: What am I goin to do with all this grub I’ve made?
Gutsy: You eat half and I’ll eat the other half.
John: There’s no way I’m goin to eat this shite!
Gutsy: Grand sure, give it all to me so.
John: Here ya go.
Gutsy: Throw us on an oul pint there as well John…
John: Right.
Gutsy: Poor oul Tubs, he’s in for a bit of hassle when he gets home.
