Gutsy And Tubsy

Sunday Afternoon

Tony Murray — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 15:08:47 +0000

Tubsy: Any sign of Gutsy John?
John: Haven’t seen him.
Tubsy: If he was here ya would’ve seen him, he’s hard to miss…
John: Yeh true enough. You havin a pint or wha?
Tubsy: I’ll hang on for Guts I think, don’t wanna mess up the round.
John: Grand.
Tubsy: Actually John would ya giz a glass of water?
John: Tap?
Tubsy: Wha?
John: Tap water?
Tubsy: What other sort is there?
John: The sort ya pay for.
Tubsy: Tap will do.
John: Thought as much… Ya runnin dry?
Tubsy: Oh jasus we had a fair feed of scoops last night…
John: I know.
Tubsy: Oh yeh, spose yid know alright!
John: Here’s your partner in crime now…
Tubsy: Oh don’t worry bout the water…
John: Wha?
Gutsy: Ah if it isn’t my colleague of gargantuan proportions!
Tubsy: Howya Guts, you’re late.
Gutsy: A minor domestic incident…
Tubsy: I See. Pint?
Gutsy: That’s what we’re here for… John?
John: Ya want water?
Gutsy: Ya wha?!
John: Thought ya might want a pint of water like your companion there…
Tubsy: Ah leave it out John, giz two pints.
John: Fair enough gents, I’ll drop them over…
Gutsy: What’s this about water Tubs?
Tubsy: I don’t know Guts, maybe John’s been the wrong side of the bar this morning…
Gutsy: Maybe so Tubs… How are ya anyway?
Tubsy: Ah not too bad, bit ropey this morning.
Gutsy: Yeh we had a fine feed of pints last night.
Tubsy: Indeed we did Sir, and a few more now to push the oul hangover out by another day wha?
Gutsy: Now you’re speaking my language… Now you’re making sense… Which incidentally is a far cry from what you were making last night!
Tubsy: Ah I was absolutely John Bon Jovied.
Gutsy: Ah so was I if I’m being honest…
John: Right lads, two pints.
Tubsy: Thanks John.
Gutsy: Thanks Johnny boy, put them on the slate!
John: There is no slate. Pay up or get out.
Gutsy: Steady on there John, I was only messin.
Tubsy: Here I’ll get these…
Gutsy: Thanks.
John: None of your oul nonsense now lads, I’m knackered today.
Gutsy: What has ya tired John?
Tubsy: Ok so John, there’s a few bob.
John: Ah it was after four when me daughter managed to get herself home last night, I was sick with worry and didn’t sleep before or after.
Gutsy: Maybe she’s got herself a fella… Lucky git whoever he is.
Tubsy: Ah that’s shockin John, kids these days have no consideration for anyone.
John: Tell me bout it. Anyway, I’m going to have a word with her at some stage.
Gutsy: Was she locked?
Tubsy: Jasus Guts…
John: Nah I don’t think so… She had a few on her alright, but not too bad.
Gutsy: Must be a fella then.
Tubsy: Good man detective Paunch!
Gutsy: Comes from years of watching The Bill.
John: I’ve work to do…
Tubsy: Thanks for the scoops John.
Gutsy: Yeh thanks John… If ya want to send your daughter down we can have a chat with her… Set her straight.
John: Yeh right, I’d sooner send her to the…
Tubsy: Don’t mind him John, he’s a bit of an eejit when he’s hungover.
John: It doesn’t take a hangover…
Gutsy: I’m simply determining the cause of your beloved daughter’s late arrival home… Or actually it was early, as it was early this morning. If you two don’t feel you can grasp or appreciate my abilities as a man of detection and deduction, that’s just fine with me. I’ll say no more about it.
Tubsy: That’d be spot on Guts!
Gutsy: I’d never say it to his face Tubs, but his daughter is a fine lookin yoke.
Tubsy: Ya said it to his face last week.
Gutsy: Did I? Jasus I should watch meself.
Tubsy: Ah he doesn’t mind, John’s alright.
Gutsy: He’s a sound man.
Tubsy: He pulls a decent pint, that’s for sure.
Gutsy: For the most part…
Tubsy: Ah now Guts, he is pretty consistent.
Gutsy: I’d say the quality of pint in here varies every now and then… Generally good, but there are definitely off days.
Tubsy: Your comment has some merit Guts, but would you say that is down to John, or could it be dirty pipes or a bad keg or wha?
Gutsy: Knowing stout as I do Tubs, it is simple for me to separate out the causes of bad scoop.
Tubsy: Ya certainly have had plenty of practice my friend of infinite girth.
Gutsy: Indeed I have, and in an effort to keep my skills sharp… I’ll keep gargling for ever more.
Tubsy: Fair play, and I’ll be here as your chief supervisor.
Gutsy: Thanks Tubs.
Tubsy: In sayin that though Guts, jasus you’re a bit slow on the oul scoop today, ya feelin a bit iffy?
Gutsy: Ah just easing myself in Tubs, this is a marathon not a sprint.
Tubsy: Well to be honest I’m not sure how long I’ll be out for today…
Gutsy: Ya wha?
Tubsy: Yeh, herself wants me home at a reasonable time for dinner and all that.
Gutsy: Now Tubsy…
Tubsy: I know Guts…
Gutsy: It’s a gentleman’s duty to go for a few quiet pints of a Sunday afternoon, particularly if a heavy session has been had the night before. Not only is it his duty, it is his cure… His comforter… His release…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts take it easy, I know all tha…
Gutsy: You will listen to what I’ve to say now my chunky friend, you will listen and take heed of what I’m about to tell you.
Tubsy: Jasus Guts…
Gutsy: Sundays are a man’s day, to do with what he wishes. To drink, to eat, to sleep, to enjoy the finer things in life. No woman, be she mother, sister, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend has the right to impose their regime on a man at any time… but certainly not on a Sunday afternoon.
Tubsy: You certainly do have a point, and you are making sense.
Gutsy: Yes I am, I am rarely wrong Tubs. Pint?
Tubsy: Yeh. John?
John: Two?
Gutsy: Please!
John: I’ll drop them over.
Tubsy: Well tell ya what, remind me to give her a call in about four or five hours or something.
Gutsy: That’s the idea Sir, tackle the issue of your absence when oiled up.
Tubsy: She’s hard enough to handle…
Gutsy: All the more reason to get scoopin!
Tubsy: Ya catching up now on the oul pint front Guts?
Gutsy: I am.
Tubsy: You look warm, ya ok?
Gutsy: I’m grand, sweatin like a mule though.
Tubsy: Ah it is warm in here and we’ve a million pints in us after last night.
Gutsy: Jasus yeh, I don’t really remember getting home.
Tubsy: Ya know what Guts, I’m absolutely starving.
Gutsy: Funny ya should mention it, I’d ate a horse’s arse through a hole in the hedge.
Tubsy: Well whatever ya do, don’t eat the grub in here… Absolutely filthy stuff.
Gutsy: Ah I know, sure member the last time? I was done in for days.
Tubsy: I certainly do… Ya were a shadow of a man…
Gutsy: Yeh well, if you had to go through what I did… Yid have…
Tubsy: I did! I had the same as you!
Gutsy: Hahaha, oh jasus yeh that’s right…
Tubsy: I went through three rolls that day.
Gutsy: Breakfast rolls?
Tubsy: Nah, toilet rolls.
Gutsy: Oh jasus Tubs, I hope it was soft stuff.
Tubsy: It was. How did ya fair yourself?
Gutsy: On wha?
Tubsy: The roll front.
Gutsy: I went through about three, now that I think of it.
Tubsy: And was it soft?
Gutsy: No.
Tubsy: Rough sand papery stuff?
Gutsy: Zact same as the stuff they have in the jacks here…
Tubsy: That stuff is criminal…
Gutsy: Yeh well, I had nothing else.
Tubsy: Where did ya get your hands on that kind of paper? It should be outlawed, I believe it is dangerous!
Gutsy: From the jacks here…
Tubsy: Ya lift jacks roll?
Gutsy: Keep your voice down Tubs… John’ll hear ya.
Tubsy: Oh jasus yeh sorry… Ya take that stuff?
Gutsy: Yeh well, it’s either that or go shopping.
Tubsy: Oh yeh, and I know how you feel about that!
Gutsy: Zactly my bouncy boy, zactly.
Tubsy: Pint?
Gutsy: Giz a sec with this one…
Tubsy: Ah for jasus sake Guts, get a move on!
Gutsy: Right right, get another couple up.
Tubsy: John?
John: Let me guess…
Gutsy: John are ya still doin food in here?
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, remember the…
John: I can throw yiz on some sausages, or get a sambo or two together.
Gutsy: Sounds lovely John, make it happen barkeep!
Tubsy: Ah Gutsy, this is not a good idea.
Gutsy: It might be ok this time… I’d asked him for it before I even thought…
Tubsy: Ah we’ll chance it I suppose…
Gutsy: I better nip in the jacks and swipe some paper, just in case…
Tubsy: Yeh, stick it in the freezer tonight when ya get home!
Gutsy: Frozen sandpaper… It’s a far cry from double velvet Tubs.
Tubsy: Real men use frozen sandpaper.
Gutsy: And a real man is what I am.
Tubsy: I feel locked.
Gutsy: So do I… Spose we’re just toppin up from last night.
Tubsy: Yeh spose…
Gutsy: We’ll push on.
Tubsy: Hold on a sec, here’s John with the pintage.
John: Two. Grub’s on the way.
Gutsy: I can smell it cookin.
Tubsy: Fair play John, I hope this stuff doesn’t give us belly ache.
John: Ah yiz should be ok, I’m a brilliant cook.
Gutsy: Let me cast your mind back to last time we had a bite in this place!
John: Oh yeh, well I told ya the stuff had gone off…
Tubsy: Has this stuff we’re getting today gone off?
John: I couldn’t tell ya, sure chance it anyway.
Gutsy: Fair enough.
Tubsy: We’ll send ya on our medical expenses…
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs…
Tubsy: Wha?
Gutsy: Your misses is on the way…
Tubsy: On the way where?!
Gutsy: In here!
Tubsy: Aw for jasus sake Guts, I’m in trouble.
Gutsy: Leg it in to the jacks there, I’ll tell her I haven’t seen ya.
Tubsy: Too late, she’s spotted us.
Gutsy: What ya gonna do?
Tubsy: I’m gonna have to head Guts, she’ll make me life not worth livin…
Gutsy: Fair enough Tubs…
Tubsy: Gluck Guts, I’ll give ya a shout tomorra.
Gutsy: Grand job Tubs, mind yourself.
John: Where’s he gone?
Gutsy: Ah the wife caught him…
John: What am I goin to do with all this grub I’ve made?
Gutsy: You eat half and I’ll eat the other half.
John: There’s no way I’m goin to eat this shite!
Gutsy: Grand sure, give it all to me so.
John: Here ya go.
Gutsy: Throw us on an oul pint there as well John…
John: Right.
Gutsy: Poor oul Tubs, he’s in for a bit of hassle when he gets home.

On Holidays

Tony Murray — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:17:04 +0000

Tubsy: Well Guts, here we are…
Gutsy: Ah indeed my friend, here we are…
Tubsy: Soaking up the sunshine wha?
Gutsy: Jasus yeh Tubs, I hope yiv your sun tan cream on!
Tubsy: Oh ya could get a nasty burn if you’re not careful, and that would ruin the rest of your trip.
Gutsy: Yeh, rollin around in bits, and you slappin on the after sun cream.
Tubsy: Well, Guts, do you have the sun cream on?
Gutsy: No.
Tubsy: Neither do I…
Gutsy: Ah the chances of getting burnt are fairly slim though Tubs…
Tubsy: Unlike yourself my bulky friend!
Gutsy: Ah once we stay in the pub Tubs, keep out of the sun…
Tubsy: They say ya should drink plenty of liquids to remain safe from sunburn.
Gutsy: Ah sure in that case we’ll be as safe as houses Tubs.
Tubsy: Indeed we will Sir, indeed we will. Pint?
Gutsy: Gwan so, what do you call this stuff?
Tubsy: Beer.
Gutsy: I know it’s beer, what do ya call it like… Is it Heineken or wha?
Tubsy: I haven’t a clue, all I know is…
Gutsy: Yeh, that it’s not stout.
Tubsy: Correct.
Gutsy: Here giz two beers there will ya!
Tubsy: Does he speak the lingo?
Gutsy: Wha?
Tubsy: Does he speak English?
Gutsy: It would appear good man, from the confuddled expression on his leathery face, that he hasn’t the foggiest idea what I am saying to him… Perhaps I will attempt to complete this transaction by way of smoke signals!
Tubsy: Can’t smoke in these bars either Guts.
Gutsy: Ah jasus how did we get these first beers, what if I point at the tap?
Tubsy: Worth a try…
Gutsy: Amigo!
Tubsy: Oh I think we might have a result here…
Gutsy: Two beers, two nice beers for your Irish friends…
Tubsy: Ah I think he has it now.
Gutsy: I should’ve been a translator.
Tubsy: Ah but instead you’re sittin here on the high stool with your oul pal, swallowing foreign beer in a foreign land, to bate the bleedin band.
Gutsy: That’s very poetic my amigo, very artistic indeed!
Tubsy: Oh my jasus would ya look…
Gutsy: Ah here now…
Tubsy: What does he think we are, a couple of birds or wha?!
Gutsy: Here John, we want pints! Not little girly glasses for the love of Jasus.
Tubsy: He hasn’t a shaggin notion Guts, ya might as well be talking to the wall.
Gutsy: Here listen to me now, we, us two lads here, want pints of beer.
Tubsy: We no like small beer glass, please you give us pints now, if ya don’t mind and it’s not too much trouble.
Gutsy: Yes we no like small beer, we like pintage and plenty of it… Have to keep well oiled up with liquids in these hotter climates, as you good sir, being a local, know only too well.
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts don’t confuse him…
Gutsy: Confuse him?
Tubsy: Listen, giz two pints please. Two pints, is it too much to ask?
Gutsy: This is bleedin hopeless…
Tubsy: What’s the word for pint in Spanish?
Gutsy: Haven’t a breeze… Pinto?
Tubsy: Might be… Here, giz two pintos there will ya?
Gutsy: Ah here hold on, swallow that thing sharpish there and we’ll start from scratch.
Tubsy: Fair enough…
Gutsy: I feel like a bird doing this…
Tubsy: Jasus ya make an ugly bird Guts… No makeup would help ya!
Gutsy: Ah listen don’t start, this is hard enough for me.
Tubsy: Right, let’s give this another crack.
Gutsy: Hello amigo, I would like two big pintos.
Tubsy: Leave this to me Guts, I’ll have it sorted in a sec…
Gutsy: Fair enough Tubsy, I don’t know how you’re going to get it sorted unless you take a crash course in Spaniardo in the next five seconds, but you go ahead and crack on there… Get the bleedin order in before I drop dead with the thirst.
Tubsy: Hello…
Gutsy: Great start Tubs! You’re playin a stormer…
Tubsy: Can I have beer, big beer, please, pints, in big glasses, ya know like, big pints please…
Gutsy: What the jasus is he at now…
Tubsy: Hold on Guts my large companion, hold those horses of yours just a sec…
Gutsy: Oh my jasus Tubs…
Tubsy: This is going to work out bleedin deadly!
Gutsy: Would ya look at that…
Tubsy: Jasus when I said big, I didn’t think he’d take it as that bleedin big…
Gutsy: These are pitchers!
Tubsy: Ah now we’re sorted Guts, swig it from the spout me oul flower, swig it from the spout!
Gutsy: Tubs, my exceptionally well padded pal, I should have had more faith in you… I sincerely apologise for doubting your abilities as a Spanish speaker and beer getter. As a token of my regret, please accept this jug of beer, on behalf of me, my belly, and any other Irishman who you choose to sort out with a bit of the lingo today.
Tubsy: Gutsy, that makes no sense whatsoever, but I accept.
Gutsy: Fair play Tubs, this is the business.
Tubsy: This place isn’t too bad Guts, reckon we’ll make it our base for the holidays.
Gutsy: Yeh it seems grand Tubs, not many birds knocking round though…
Tubsy: Ah in fairness it’s not even midday yet. I think the Spanish come out later and stay out later or whatever.
Gutsy: Aha, so we can expect a bit of skirt in here at around three or four so?
Tubsy: Yeh hopefully…
Gutsy: You’re an infinitely handsome gent Tubs, but those massive tree trunk legs of yours just don’t really do it for me, ya know?
Tubsy: Steady on there Guts, this hot weather is having a funny effect on ya!
Gutsy: Ah we’ll set ourselves up here for the day anyway… Sure they even give ya free peanuts!
Tubsy: Wonder is there any chance of a burger or something…
Gutsy: Or a bowl of paella.
Tubsy: A bowl of wha?
Gutsy: It’s the local food, it’s fishy rice.
Tubsy: Jasus, sounds absolutely gorgeous… You’ll forgive me for not over indulging though and sticking to something as basic as a bleedin burger amigo.
Gutsy: Gorgeous? It’s rotten stuff, I wouldn’t ate it if I was dying of starvation.
Tubsy: Guts, it’d take years for you to die of starvation… ya could live off that massive pile of poundage hanging over your waste band there for yonks!
Gutsy: That’s what I call insurance.
Tubsy: Zactly Guts, insurance against starvation…
Gutsy: These pitchers are going down well Tubs, I think I am almost ready for another.
Tubsy: Indeed they are, nothing like a jug of beer of a Tuesday morning.
Gutsy: Will ya try and order another couple there my Spanish speaking subordinate?
Tubsy: Oui Oui Sir, leave it to me!
Gutsy: Sound. I’m off for a hit n miss… I expect two frothy jugs of scoop to be waiting for me on my return.
Tubsy: It will be done.
Gutsy: Where’s the jacks in here?
Tubsy: Think yiv to go out and around the side or something…
Gutsy: Fair enough… If I’m not back in five minutes avenge my death!
Tubsy: That Sir, is a given.
Gutsy: Sound, jasus the heat in here!
Tubsy: Hello Amigo, two more big beers please, do you comprehend moi? I imagine ya haven’t a jasus clue what I’m on about but sure if I am making myself clear at all you’ll organise me and my currently absent friend with a few jugs of beer… To keep us cool and just on the right side of tipsy, so as we can see the afternoon out in this fine establishment… Jasus, thanks! Do you speak English after all?
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, ya should see the jacks!
Tubsy: Mon over here Guts and let me show you what your good oul buddy has set up…
Gutsy: The flies in there, oh my Jasus… It was like Billy Byrne’s Bakery at home in the summer time.
Tubsy: Get on your stool there Guts and get scoopin. I have this Spanish thing down to a tee now… I’ll be the official beer orderer for the holidays.
Gutsy: Suits me Tubs, I’ll leave it to you… Jasus another jug of beer, this is the way to gargle Tubs, the way to gargle!
Tubsy: It sure is, and if I’m not mistaken we’re no longer the only portly patrons in this bar…
Gutsy: Jasus yeh, women at last!
Tubsy: Steady on now Gutsy, let’s take it gingerly…
Gutsy: I can clock a couple of brunettes Tubs…
Tubsy: Yeh but…
Gutsy: I may have to call upon your skills as a translator again Tubs… These foreign women love a multilingual gent.
Tubsy: Well, I’ll certainly do me best to help Guts… But take your time now.
Gutsy: Here’s one up to the bar, I’m gonna tackle her just as she puts in the order!
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts, she’s not the best now…
Gutsy: Ah here I wouldn’t say no!
Tubsy: I was right when I said we weren’t the only portly ones in here now…
Gutsy: She is a curvaceous Spanish goddess, how do I say hello?
Tubsy: I don’t know Guts, just try saying hi.
Gutsy: Sound, right here we go…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, she’s no goddess… Her belly is on a par with your own…
Gutsy: Do not speak ill of my girl Tubs… Hi love, how’s the form? Great to be here in your fine country, and as a token of my support for Spain, I’ll be happy to buy this drink for you… What ya havin?
Tubsy: Right Guts, she either has no idea what you said, or she is completely ignoring you.
Gutsy: Language barrier Tubs, that will be easily overcome when I turn on the charm.
Tubsy: Well, since she hasn’t said a thing back to you, and since she is now high taling it back to her mate over there, I reckon we’re going to have to mark this one up as a wide.
Gutsy: Wide?
Tubsy: Ya stepped up, addressed the ball nicely, put your boot to it… But unfortunately, it spun wide of the post.
Gutsy: Ya might be right Tubs, I have a feeling she might not have been interested in speaking to handsome gents like ourselves…
Tubsy: Possibly Guts…
Gutsy: Or gents in general Tubs? These foreign women… Ya never know…
Tubsy: Who’s to say, at the end of the day.
Gutsy: Ah now that I think of it, and now that I have a good view…
Tubsy: Yeh Guts?
Gutsy: She is like ya say…
Tubsy: Wha?
Gutsy: Wide.
Tubsy: Hahaha, Jasus Guts she is.
Gutsy: She could do with giving the oul fish n chip dinners a miss Tubs!
Tubsy: Maybe it’s all the paella.
Gutsy: Could be… All that fishy rice stuff couldn’t be good for ya.
Tubsy: Now ya have it.
Gutsy: Speaking of which, I’m starving!
Tubsy: I’ll see if I can land a few burgers over here, what ya reckon?
Gutsy: A burger, at this juncture my friend of immense proportions, would go down an absolute treat.
Tubsy: Ah, well allow me to translate our request for some nosh in to Spanish…
Gutsy: Good man Tubs, you’re a walking dictionary.

The Flight

Tony Murray — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:13:50 +0000

Gutsy: I know it’s early Tubs, but will we have a quick one before they call the flight?
Tubsy: Ah, ordinarily I wouldn’t at this ungodly hour, but since it is a special occasion… And considering it’s one of…
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, will ya or won’t ya?!
Tubsy: Right I will gwan I will! You’re some cranky eejit.
Gutsy: Ah sorry Tubs, I’m just not used to being up this early, still wrecked like.
Tubsy: I know what ya mean Guts, no harm anyway.
Gutsy: Sound. Well, I’ll organise a few breakfast pints then.
Tubsy: What time do we get on the plane?
Gutsy: That little darling at the check in desk said half nine.
Tubsy: Ah grand, sure we’ve half an hour.
Gutsy: Howya, giz two pints there will ya?
Tubsy: Stout.
Gutsy: Yeh, stout, or Guinness or whatever ya foreigners call it!
Tubsy: They don’t look great Guts…
Gutsy: Airport beer my rotund friend, bound to be shite.
Tubsy: Ah the faster ya drink them the better so.
Gutsy: What?
Tubsy: Well, big mouthfuls, you won’t taste it going down.
Gutsy: What are you on about Tubsy? Of course you’ll taste it, of course you will notice the absolute lack of quality and consistency in the pint you currently have clinched in that meaty fist of yours.
Tubsy: Take it easy Guts, I was only sayin…
Gutsy: I know Tubs, I know… Just drink up there and we’ll get on to this yoke.
Tubsy: Fair enough Guts, you’re one cranky divil in the mornings.
Gutsy: Ah in fairness, now that I’ve finished it, looking back like…
Tubsy: Yeh, it wasn’t so bad was it?
Gutsy: I’ve had worse my friend, much much worse.
Tubsy: Jasus cmon, we’ll miss the bus!
Gutsy: Plane!
Tubsy: Yeh plane! Hurry up Guts, let’s move.
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, ya can move when ya want to… Easy there on the oul pace will ya? This bag is heavy.
Tubsy: Your belly is heavier… If ya don’t rush we’ll miss this!
Gutsy: Hahaha, that’s a fair point my spongy friend, you’ll be able to identify!
Tubsy: Jasus I can, the sweat is pumpin off me.
Gutsy: Ah sure we’re there now… Have ya got your passport?
Tubsy: No.
Gutsy: Ya wha!!! Ya need it to get on the jasus bus Tubsy!
Tubsy: Plane.
Gutsy: Whatever! Where is it?
Tubsy: Only messin Guts, I have it here in me hand.
Gutsy: Oh jasus me heart, thank God for that.
Tubsy: Good man Guts, right follow me on to this fair craft… Follow your oul friend.
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, following your lumbering frame is like following a bus.
Tubsy: Mon, show that thing to the air hostess there.
Gutsy: Howya love, we’re off on holidays for the weekend.
Tubsy: That’s a fella Gutsy ya eejit!
Gutsy: Oh jasus, so it is… Howya mate, what seats are we in?
Tubsy: You’re some spanner Gutsy, if I wasn’t with ya I dunno what kind of trouble you’d get in to.
Gutsy: Ah cmon, let’s just sit down and get a scoop in.
Tubsy: Fair enough…
Gutsy: They don’t leave ya much room in these seats do they?
Tubsy: Not at all, I don’t know how I’m going to close this bleedin seat belt.
Gutsy: Suck in on your gut, shuffle right back in the seat and wait for the click.
Tubsy: Jasus I’m trying Guts, I don’t know if this is going to happen…
Gutsy: Try lifting up your gut a bit and let the belt tuck in underneath the roll of flab…
Tubsy: That how you do it Guts?
Gutsy: Zactly how, no choice.
Tubsy: Aw Christ I can’t get the click!
Gutsy: Jasus Tubs, I don’t know… Hold on a sec I’ll have a word with the air hostess.
Tubsy: Ya chattin that fella up again?
Gutsy: No! I’m going to see if I can get something sorted for you and your massive bulging bowl of fat!
Tubsy: Oh good man Guts…
Gutsy: Right Tubs, here’s the craic. She’s going to bring you a seatbelt extension…
Tubsy: A wha?
Gutsy: It’s like a bit that clips on to the end of your seatbelt to give more length… It’s for pregnant women and chunky gits like us.
Tubsy: Brilliant!
Gutsy: I know. I’ve asked her for two… This belt is digging in to me belly like nobody’s business.
Tubs: If anyone asks, we’ll tell them we’re two pregnant women right Guts?
Gutsy: Sound Tubs, that my friend is a plan that simply can not fail.
Tubsy: Ah here we go now, I think we’re on the taxi way.
Gutsy: Jasus the pilot must’ve taken a wrong turn eh Tubs?
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts you’re some bleedin comedian.
Gutsy: I hope he has fuel injection in this thing, it’s going to take some power to get her off the ground.
Tubsy: Well, history has proven that it generally works… Jet propulsion and that kind of thing.
Gutsy: Yeh, but he’s carrying a heavier load than usual today my friend, maybe we should’ve sat on either side of the plane to keep her balanced.
Tubsy: Jasus ya might have a point there, ya might feel her leaning off to the left a bit…
Gutsy: On account of the two more portly gentlemen sitting in seats 13A and 13B?
Tubsy: Now you have it Guts, now you have it.
Gutsy: Full steam ahead captain, give it every bit of thrust you have… I’ll suck in me gut to give her extra lift!
Tubsy: Take it easy Guts, they’ll arrest you for air rage.
Gutsy: It might be ground rage if this thing can’t get off the deck!
Tubsy: Hahaha, could be… Either way keep your voice down.
Gutsy: Fair enough… Would you look at that, we are up… Soaring like a bird.
Tubsy: Yeh soaring like a bird with two fat gitts sitting in it’s belly…
Gutsy: Jasus yeh Tubs, we’re flying now I tell ya.
Tubsy: Jasus what’s happening here? What was that noise!
Gutsy: I think it’s the flaps.
Tubsy: The wha?
Gutsy: Nothing to worry about Tubs… Here do you want a drink?
Tubsy: I certainly do Sir, I most certainly do.
Gutsy: Sound, all they have is cans… That do ya?
Tubsy: Ah yeh spose, get two each to be safe.
Gutsy: Fair enough… Jasus the price of them!
Tubsy: Rip off. Total rip off. It’s no wonder the airlines have tons of money and we have none…
Gutsy: Eh Tubs? Do ya wanna have another go at that one.
Tubsy: Ah yeh… Listen, when we get there what will we do?
Gutsy: Leave the bags in, go for scoops.
Tubsy: Splendid idea!
Gutsy: What was that?!
Tubsy: The flaps?
Gutsy: No that was something else… Oh jasus Tubs…
Tubsy: Relax Guts, nobody else is panicking.
Gutsy: Spose so Tubs… Here would ya look at the legs on that air hostess?
Tubsy: The fella?
Gutsy: No, that dark haired bird…
Tubsy: Yeh, she’s gorgeous. Foreign I’d say…
Gutsy: Definitely, probably English or something.
Tubsy: I’d have said Eastern European or something, but ya could be right.
Gutsy: I Sir, am always right. Without fail!
Tubsy: Ya were right about the fella when ya got on first.
Gutsy: That was an easy mistake to make… You’d assume that the air hostesses were going to be birds like!
Tubsy: Not nowadays Guts, not nowadays. When was the last time you were on a plane?
Gutsy: This is me first time.
Tubsy: Really?
Gutsy: Yeh, sure I never had any reason to leave Dublin before.
Tubsy: How did you know that noise was the flaps then?!
Gutsy: Saw it on a film before…
Tubsy: You’re some chunky great gobshite Guts, honest to Jasus…
Gutsy: Well we’re still here aren’t we? Not dead!
Tubsy: Yeh, spose…
Gutsy: These seatbelt extensions make all the difference, I’m almost comfortable!
Tubsy: Seats are awful narrow though, I’m packed in to this thing.
Gutsy: Yeh, spose it is fairly terrible at the end of the day… There are rolls of flab hanging over the armrests Tubs.
Tubsy: Here’s the breakfast!
Gutsy: Brilliant, I’m going for a full Irish.
Tubsy: You’ll be lucky Guts, more like a package of peanuts!
Gutsy: Jasus surely they’ll have something decent…
Tubsy: I dunno Guts, I wouldn’t hold me breath…
Gutsy: Howya love, two full Irish please.
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, they don’t have those!
Gutsy: Seems to be sandwiches Tubs, or a chocolate bar.
Tubsy: Think the closest you’ll get is a bacon sambo.
Gutsy: Right love, giz two bacon sambos and two cups of tea.
Tubsy: Make my tea a beer.
Gutsy: Oh yeh and mine as well.
Tubsy: So that’s two sambos and two beers.
Gutsy: That’s the order love, that is the order. Thanks to my large friend who incidentally is wearing a seatbelt extension, it’s all very clear now.
Tubsy: Look who’s talking!
Gutsy: Hahaha, good man Tubs, do ya want ice for that beer?
Tubsy: Gwan oura da ya big eejit…
Gutsy: I think we’ll be landing soon, I can feel the plane going down a bit.
Tubsy: Either that or we’re crashing.
Gutsy: Don’t say that Tubs, I’m a nervous flier… Wonder if it’s the weight of us two pulling her down…
Tubsy: I’d say you might be on to something there my oldest and dearest companion, we do have a considerable combined weight ya know…
Gutsy: What was that!?
Tubsy: Just the flaps Guts, just the flaps.
Gutsy: Ah fair enough Tubs.
Tubsy: We’re down, we’re on holidays!
Gutsy: Deadly! Will we get a pint in the airport before we head for the hostel?
Tubsy: Most definitely, me mouth is as dry as…
Gutsy: A kookaburra’s Khyber mate!
Tubsy: Ahhaha, zactly Guts!
Gutsy: Right let’s get off this thing and find some liquid refreshments.

Closing Time

Tony Murray — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:10:53 +0000

Gutsy: Ya know what Tubs, I’m thinking about tryin to get meself a woman.
Tubsy: Jasus Gutsy, I thought you were the eternal bachelor… What had you in mind?
Gutsy: Ah, I’m a little bit tired of being on me own ya know? Waking up every day on me tod, nobody to make me dinner, do me washing, have a cup of tea with… All that.
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, that’s pretty deep thinking for this time of night, will ya take another one?
Gutsy: Yeh gwan, Guinness I suppose.
Tubsy: There’s a surprise… John, 2 more if ya please good Sir!
John: Ok lads, I’ll drop them over… As bloody usual…
Gutsy: Ah good man John, you’re a good man John, don’t ever forget that… The best!
John: Yeh well, don’t you forget either… Closing time in twenty minutes right?
Tubsy: No worries John, did ya hear good old Gutsy is thinking of getting himself a bird?
John: Yeh well zlong as he keeps his eye off my daughter…
Gutsy: Jasus she’s a cracker John, she not around tonight?
John: No she’s out with the girls in town or something…
Tubsy: Ah good for her, she’s a grand girl.
Gutsy: Jasus she’s a fine yoke John, I wouldn’t mind…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, take it easy, it’s his daughter you’re talkin about!
Gutsy: Ah sorry John, sorry, I’m just feelin a bit lonely tonight…
John: Yeh well like I said, keep a lid on it…
Gutsy: Yeh no problem John, how much are those pints goin to set me back?
John: Same as they’ve been costin ya all night!
Tubsy: Ah here it’s my round Guts… John, keep the change.
John: Ya generous generous generous man, I’ll put that forty cents towards my holiday fund!
Gutsy: Good man John, you’re the best ya know that?
Tubsy: Ah gwan oura tha John, if every fella gave ya forty cents for every round…
John: Yeh I’d be loaded, but they don’t, and I’m not… Now remember twenty minutes to last orders lads.
Gutsy: Right so John, your daughter around?
John: Aw for Jasus sake…
Tubsy: Nah Guts, she’s in town remember?
Gutsy: Oh Jasus yeh, good man John… Grand pints these.
Tubsy: Ya round tomorrow Guts?
Gutsy: Ah yeh, single life Tubs, ya can’t beat it! Pints?
Tubsy: Yeh I might just get out in the early evening for a few…
Gutsy: Ah now listen Tubsy my oldest and dearest friend…
Tubsy: Ah Jasus Guts…
Gutsy: If we are going out, and especially if we’re leaving it until early evening to go out…
Tubsy: Yeh?
Gutsy: We will go in low and hard, and go up and over the top… Up! And over! No let up, foot to the floor, the whole nine yards, and up the Dubs me chubby buddy.
Tubsy: Ah, fair enough so Guts… Sounds grand.
Gutsy: Right, that’s the plan then.
Tubsy: Where do ya wanna go?
Gutsy: I dunno, somewhere I suppose where there’s a bit of life… Maybe even a few nice birds wha?
Tubsy: Jasus yeh, that’ might not be a bad idea there Guts…
Gutsy: Tell ya wha, we’ll meet here for a few and see where the tide takes us right?
Tubsy: Grand we’ll do that so.
Gutsy: Ya know what, I’m absolutely buckled.
Tubsy: Ah yeh I’m fairly bunched meself…
Gutsy: Grand few pints though…
Tubsy: Ah yeh, the stout in here is lovely, always lovely… Ya can’t fault it can ya Guts?
Gutsy: No Tubs, ya simply can’t fault the pure quality of the stout in this fine fine place of stout.
Tubsy: I’m gonna just have a quick slash, if he calls last orders will ya tell him to stick us on a couple?
Gutsy: I will indeed… Ya wanna double round?
Tubsy: Probably shouldn’t…
Gutsy: Ah gwan, sure it won’t kill ya!
Tubsy: I dunno Guts, I’m absolutely Boe Janglers here…
Gutsy: What doesn’t kill ya will only cure ya me oul buddy, I’m putting on a double.
Tubsy: Ah fair enough, when you put it that way! I’ll be back in a minute…
Gutsy: Good man Tubs!
John: Here, last orders right?
Gutsy: Four please John…
John: Are ya gonna be able to drink those in twenty minutes?
Gutsy: John, between me and me good friend Tubsy, who incidentally is currently availing of the toiletry facilities… We’ll be able to sup these creamy pints down in half the time and maybe even call for another… That is if you are feeling at all generous!
John: Generous? I’ve listened to you two talking shite for years and not barred yiz… If that isn’t generosity I dunno what is… Four then…
Gutsy: For what, for who?
John: Four pints ya eejit!
Gutsy: Oh Jasus yes, four of your finest black pints please John.
John: You’re welcome, no problem, at your service…
Gutsy: Ah service with a smile John, that’s what I like to see… Here’s old Tubsy now shunting that massive bulk of his across the floor… Eh Tubs!
Tubsy: Alright Guts, ya get the order in?
Gutsy: I certainly did my baldy friend, four pints on the way…
Tubsy: You’re a gent Guts, did I ever tell you that?
Gutsy: Ah ya did Tubs, ya did… Here listen are we goin for chips after?
Tubsy: Well, who are we to break with a beautiful tradition?
Gutsy: You make a valid point Sir, chips and indeed burgers will be had…
Tubsy: You have that right, I’m starvin now that I think of it.
Gutsy: Yeh same here… Oh my Jasus would ya look at that?
Tubsy: Well be the…
Gutsy: Who is she?
Tubsy: I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before…
Gutsy: Well I tell ya one thing Tubs, I tell ya one thing…
Tubsy: Say nothing Guts, say nothing, I want to enjoy this moment… Here she comes…
Gutsy: Oh…
Tubsy: Shh now, say nothing…
Gutsy: Howya love…
Tubsy: Oh…
Gutsy: I said howya!
Tubsy: She blanked ya Guts!
Gutsy: I know, where is she goin?
Tubsy: Jacks it looks like… Was she in here all night?
Gutsy: Christ no, sure we’d have noticed…
Tubsy: She might be a cracker Guts, but she’s an ignorant oul trout.
Gutsy: Maybe she didn’t hear me, or maybe she doesn’t speak English.
Tubsy: Would ya gwan oura tha! She heard ya alright, she blanked ya.
Gutsy: Ah I’m willin to give a lady like that the benefit of the doubt… And I’d give her the benefit of a lot more Tubs, a lot more.
Tubsy: Ah yeh, I know whatcha mean Guts.
Gutsy: Listen we better scoop up here sharpish if we’re to get in to the chipper.
Tubsy: Right, I’ll kill off this one now… Jasus I’m hammered…
Gutsy: Zlong as ya can stand Tubs, and zlong as ya can get the burger and chip in to ya…
Tubsy: Oh there won’t be a problem there my sizable friend, the burger will be dealt with forthwith.
Gutsy: That’s what I like to hear!
John: Five minutes lads!
Tubsy: We’re actually finished John.
Gutsy: Chance of another one John?
Tubsy: The chipper Guts…
John: No chance lads, have yiz no homes to go to?
Gutsy: It’s not home we’re going to Johnny boy…
John: Off clubbin? Will they let two oufellas like you pair in?
Tubsy: Clubbin?! We’re goin the chipper!
John: Might’ve known, see yiz tomorra lads.
Gutsy: Right John, thanks for the pints.
John: Ah, no problem, night!
Tubsy: Night John.
Gutsy: Night night John Boy.
John: Get out!
Tubsy: Right Guts, mind yourself there, let’s get in to this grease shop quick.
Gutsy: Jasus I’m a bit unsteady on the pins…
Tubsy: You’re tellin me? I’m absolutely lamped.
Gutsy: Jasus look at the queue!
Tubsy: We’ll be a while waitin here Guts, but I have to… Me belly thinks me throat is cut.
Gutsy: Jasus and what a belly Tubs!
Tubsy: Ah, it took me years to build it Guts…
Gutsy: A big belly is something to be proud of Tubsy, I mean that.
Tubsy: You must be filled with pride then…
Gutsy: Oh I am sir, I am.
Tubsy: Here giz two quarter pounders, two chips, and two cans of coke will ya!
Gutsy: Ask him for cheese Tubs…
Tubsy: Oh and cheese on those burgers, good man!
Gutsy: Legend.
Tubsy: Here I’ll get these…
Gutsy: Ya will in your hole, half and half…
Tubsy: Fair enough, giz a tenner there… That should cover it.
Gutsy: Ah I’ve no cash left, will ya spot me this one?
Tubsy: Half and half ya say! Ah no problem Guts, ya can get it next time.
Gutsy: Good man Tubs, thanks.
Tubsy: Ya walkin home?
Gutsy: No choice Tubs, but sure I’ll eat me chips on the way…
Tubsy: Right so, sure I’ll walk up as far as my corner with ya.
Gutsy: Grand… Here is there football on tomorra?
Tubsy: There is indeed…
Gutsy: Who’s playin?
Tubsy: Playin wha?
Gutsy: The football!
Tubsy: Ah I dunno, United is it?
Gutsy: I dunno Tubs, I’ll check the fixtures tomorra.
Tubsy: Grand, giz a shout won’t ya?
Gutsy: I will, see ya tomorra for scoopage.
Tubsy: Night Guts, safe home.
Gutsy: Right, night Tubs, say howya to the wife for me.
Tubsy: You leave my wife alone Guts!
Gutsy: Ah I’m only messin, gluck Tubs.
Tubsy: I know, gluck Guts, see ya tomorra.
Gutsy: Here Tubs!
Tubsy: Wha?!
Gutsy: That bird we saw there in the pub, she was carryin a bit too much weight for my likin… After careful consideration, I think I am glad she didn’t talk to us!
Tubsy: She was a bit on the old side too Guts, I probably wouldn’t have to be honest!
Gutsy: Ah I wouldn’t go that far now, but certainly she could’ve done with avoiding the fridge for a day or two!
Tubsy: True enough Guts true enough, sure if she’s in tomorra we’ll tackle her… She owes us a pint each for her display of ignorance there tonight!
Gutsy: If she comes up with a pint for us, I might consider entertaining her with some of my world famous charm and impressing her with some sharp lines…!
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, you better be a new man by the morning!
Gutsy: Oh I am a charmin devil when I put me mind to it Tubs, there isn’t a woman alive who could resist me at me best!
Tubsy: Ah you keep telling yourself that Guts ya baldy eejit!
Gutsy: Grand, we’ll tackle her so… Gluck Tubs!
Tubsy: Night Guts, mind yourself.

Match Day

Tony Murray — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 23:03:26 +0000

Gutsy: Brilliant, we got here five minutes before kick off.
Tubsy: What time is it?
Gutsy: About twenty to one I think Tubs, pint yeh?
Tubsy: Yeh gwan then.
Gutsy: John, 2 please?
John: No problem lads, early start today I see…
Tubsy: Ah the early kick off, ya know yourself, it’s the business…
Gutsy: Haha, yeh John ya may get used to the sight of us… We’re in for the long haul!
John: Like I amn’t sick of the sight of you lads… I’ll drop them over.
Gutsy: Good man John.
Tubsy: Jasus me mouth’s as dry as… as ehh…
Gutsy: Ghandi’s flip flops?
Tubsy: Yeh!
Gutsy: We’ll soon sort that out for ya Tubs me oul segotia.
John: Here yiz are, I suppose you want change…
Tubsy: Too right John, not that it’s hardly worth our while…
Gutsy: Ah the price of drink is shockin!
John: Doesn’t stop yiz buying it? If you’re so worried about it, maybe yiz should cut back or give it up altogether.
Gutsy: And have you out of a job John? No chance, we are doing our best to keep as many people in good honest employment as we can, eh Tubs? The state of this nation, sure it’s no wonder we’re all on the scrap heap, makes me sick when I think of it.
Tubsy: Ah not this shite again Guts, just drink your pint and take it easy will ya?
Gutsy: See it’s attitudes like that!
John: Keep your voice down mate, the match is starting.
Gutsy: Oh jasus sorry John, turn up the telly there will ya?
John: If you quit that shouting we’ll all be able to hear it!
Tubsy: Yeh keep it down Guts.
Gutsy: Jasus sorry, sorry, I was only trying to put forward my opinion of the state of the nation, excuse me… I’ll just shut up now then and let the place go to the dogs without commenting. Grand so.
Tubsy: Ah, look at that, the what is becoming the classic 3 5 2.
Gutsy: Ya what?
Tubsy: The formation, this should be a cracking game Guts.
Gutsy: Ah yeh, I’ve been lookin forward to this one for ages now.
Tubsy: What, since the last match?
Gutsy: Exactly my tubby friend, exactly. Pints are gorgeous aren’t they?
Tubsy: Going down nicely now, going down nicely.
Gutsy: Ya had no problem getting out today?
Tubsy: Nah, she’s off shopping or something… I’m here for the day. How bout yourself?
Gutsy: Ah the joys of single life my boy, the joys.
Tubsy: Yeh well, yeh… What is that keeper playing at?
Gutsy: Flapping like an eejit!
Tubsy: Ah he’s brutal, all he’s good for is cleaning boots.
Gutsy: That’s for sure Tubs, I’d do a better job between the posts meself!
Tubsy: Ah now I wouldn’t go that far, he’s not that bad…
Gutsy: Ah ask me tank Tubs, I was a deadly player in school.
Tubsy: Ya were yeh Guts…
Gutsy: I was!
Tubsy: I know, I said ya were. Why did ya give up the football?
Gutsy: Ah it’s easier to watch it than it is to play it…
Tubsy: And playing any position with a pint in your hand is bound to lead to spillage…
Gutsy: Zactly.
John: Did ya hear lads? Me daughter is starting work here as a lounge girl today.
Gutsy: What?!
Tubsy: Jasus that’s great John, is she on Summer holidays or what?
John: Ya must be joking, she’s nineteen! She is just back from travelling round the world.
Gutsy: The world?!
Tubsy: Ah that’s great John, I hope she has steady hands while carrying scoops and won’t get in the way of the telly.
Gutsy: She nice lookin John?
John: She’s me daughter!
Gutsy: I’m only askin like…
Tubsy: Jasus Guts, it’s his daughter…
John: Anyway, make sure you’re nice to her lads right?
Tubsy: No problem John.
Gutsy: We’ll be nice to her alright…
Tubsy: How much did they pay for your man?
Gutsy: Who, John?
Tubsy: No no, that fella playing out on the wing there…
Gutsy: Oh him! I haven’t a notion, suppose a few million or something.
Tubsy: Ah good guess Guts.
Gutsy: Yeh.
Tubsy: Deadly it’s half time, I’m going to nip across and get a sambo or something, I didn’t get a chance to have breakfast.
Gutsy: Right I’ll mind the seats.
Tubsy: There’s not exactly many people here to nick em!
Gutsy: Ah never the less… Here will ya get me a bacon sambo or a breakfast roll or something while you’re over there?
Tubsy: Ah yeh no problem… Best to get breakfast in to ya if you’re going to be on the lash all day.
Gutsy: Ah I had me breakfast alright, just getting a bit hungry… Sure it’s lunch time now.
Tubsy: Suppose so Guts… Listen, back in a minute.
John: Where’s he gone?
Gutsy: To get a breakfast roll…
John: Ya should’ve said, I could’ve made yiz a sambo or something.
Gutsy: Nah you’re alright John, last time I ate anything in here I puked for days.
John: Yeh well I did warn yiz the bread was a bit old and the butter was gone off… Yiz insisted!
Gutsy: I was starving though! Anyway it doesn’t matter, Tubs will be back in a few minutes.
John: Right…
Gutsy: What time is your daughter starting John, what’s her name?
John: Lindsay, and half 3.
Gutsy: Half 3? That’s an unusual name for a girl, let me guess she was born at half 3?
John: Ah shut up and drink up… Will I put another two on for yiz?
Gutsy: Gwan yeh, did I pay you for the last one?
John: Ya did, ya did.
Gutsy: I know I did, just testing ya.
John: Hurumph.
Tubsy: Special delivery for me oul pal with the big belly and the receeding hairline!
Gutsy: I thought it was me you were getting a breakfast roll for!
Tubsy: Have ya looked in a mirror lately Guts?
Gutsy: Nah, couldn’t be arsed with all that!
Tubsy: Good man… Well, get this in to ya.
Gutsy: Did ya get red sauce on it?
Tubsy: Of course!
Gutsy: Nice one.
Tubsy: Did ya order the pints?
Gutsy: I did, I got ya a coke.
Tubsy: Ya better be messin…
Gutsy: Nah honestly, John where’s this man’s coke?
John: On the way lads…
Tubsy: John! I wanted a pint, don’t mind that eejit.
Gutsy: Hahaha, make sure ya give him plenty of ice there John.
John: Ah no problem, coming up!
Tubsy: Honest to Jasus, if I get a glass of coke over here Tubs I’ll swing for ya.
Gutsy: Ah ya will yeh…
John: There yiz go lads.
Tubsy: Haha, ya funny man Guts, thanks John.
Gutsy: Good man John, pints are nice here today.
John: What do you mean? They’re always nice here!
Gutsy: Not always John, not always…
Tubsy: Ah they’d be consistent enough, but there are definitely off days, or sometimes even off rounds…
John: Take it up with the management.
Gutsy: Who’s the manager?
John: Me!
Tubsy: OK, can we take this lack of consistency with the quality of the pintage being served in this fine establishment up with you, Sir Manager?
John: Ah, ask me hole.
Gutsy: A typical manager, always deligating!
Tubsy: Ah, sure we’ll see how we get on with these anyway John, thanks again.
John: No problem lads.
Gutsy: There’s gonna be a sending off here Tubs…
Tubsy: Show us a replay Show us a replay!
Gutsy: Watch this Tubs… Oooo the ankle! Nasty!
Tubsy: He’ll be needing a bed pan for the next few days I suspect…
Gutsy: A wha Tubs?
Tubsy: A bed pan, ya know like…
Gutsy: A pan my tubby friend in my opinion, is for frying rashers on…
Tubsy: Jasus you’re some eejit Guts…
Gutsy: Ah I know… Look at that, red card, good man Ref!
Tubsy: He is a fair Ref, of that my large companion, there can be no doubt.
Gutsy: How long’s left now?
Tubsy: It’s in to stoppage time… Hardly any point sending yir man off.
Gutsy: That’s shockin… He creased that fella! He deserves everything he gets… Fines, Bans… The works!
Tubsy: Ah fair enough Guts, but ya know what I mean…
Gutsy: Course I do Tubs… But my point stands.
Tubsy: Grand. Call em in Guts!
Gutsy: John!
John: Two?
Tubsy: Yes please John, when you’re ready…
John: Yeh, when I’m good and ready…
Gutsy: When you’re good and ready John, but get them over here sharpish before I die of a terrible thirst!
John: Some chance!
Tubsy: Jasus who is she?
Gutsy: Who?
Tubsy: Yir wan there coming in the door…
Gutsy: Oh yeh… Jasus grand yoke isn’t she?
John: Lads, here’s me daughter! On her first day at work!